The rules
Read These Before You Die
It’s all here. Some rules make a cell deadly, others make it safe, and a few have a habit of changing how the others work. I could wish you good luck. But that would be hypocritical.
Glossary
- Passable / safe
- The cell can be crossed without danger.
- Deadly
- The cell kills you.
- Orthogonally adjacent cell
- A cell directly above, below, to the left, or to the right of a given cell.
- The eight neighboring cells
- The four orthogonally adjacent cells plus the four diagonal ones.
- Page / Spread
- One side of a leaf / the two pages visible at the same time with the book open.
Crossing
From the entrance, you’ll clear your path one cell at a time: apply the rules that follow, cross out everything deadly, and the passable cells that remain will draw your corridor. You move one cell at a time: up, down, left, or right. Never diagonally.
One detail. Effects do not stop at a page edge or at the gutter unless a rule explicitly says otherwise. Cells remain adjacent across page boundaries: across the gutter, a cell touches the cell facing it on the opposite page; across an outer edge, it touches the cell directly behind it on the reverse of the sheet. In this book, page boundaries do not break adjacency.
In practice: the moment a creature projects an area of effect and that effect grazes an edge, you turn the leaf, you look behind it, and you check. It’s excruciating to keep track of this across ninety pages, and it’s exactly the level of attention I require of my guests.
Some spreads also carry a local rule. It stacks on top of every other rule, but applies only on the spread where it appears.
Creatures
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1
The bad guys
Ah, the classics! Skeletons, Mummies, Witches, Ogres, Trolls, Demons, Cyclopes, Minotaurs, Spiders, Snakes, Zombies, Medusas, and Wraiths.
What they have in common: they’re all deadly, starving, and absolutely delighted to see you arrive without an escort!
You may only pass through their cells if an item or some other effect neutralizes them. If nothing neutralizes them, avoid them. (This advice is brought to you by the families of previous adventurers.)
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2
The Weaklings
Allow me to introduce the only six residents who won’t devour you: the Goblin, the Imp, the Bandit, the Thief, the Cultist, and the Kobold.
Utterly useless, the lot of them; I honestly wonder what the hell they’re doing here. In any case, their cells are safe and passable. You may even linger there, rebuild your confidence, and start believing you might survive. Until, of course, another rule decides those cells are deadly.
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3
The Rat
Let’s deal with the Rat. On its own, it’s a thoroughly uninteresting creature: safe, passable — you won’t fear it for a second. The problem is when there are lots of them.
Here is the rule: ten Rats on a spread, and every Rat on that spread becomes deadly. Nine, you walk through. Ten, you die. Eleven, you die again. Rest assured, it doesn’t improve beyond that.
9 Rats on the spread
Rat10 Rats on the spread
RatNine Rats on the spread: the cell is safe. Ten: every Rat on the spread turns deadly. Applies to: the whole spread the Rats are on.
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4
The Wolf
A lone Wolf is just a large depressed dog. Its cell stays passable. But place two Wolves in orthogonally adjacent cells, and the magic of friendship takes hold: they form a pack, and all their cells become deadly at once. Cooperation is a beautiful thing.
Once a pack contains three or more, each Wolf also attacks one adjacent cell, which becomes deadly in turn.
3 Wolves: the attack goes to the right.
WolfRubbleWolfWolfThief4 Wolves: to the left.
RubbleWolfWolfMossWolfWolf5 Wolves: downward.
WolfWolfWolfWolfKoboldWolfGoblinMoss6 Wolves: upward.
RubbleThiefWolfWolfKoboldWolfWolfWolfWolfCount the wolves before you move that fragile meat suit of yours. A miscalculation is always funnier when it ends in mutilation. A pack can never contain more than six Wolves.
Page edges do not interrupt this rule.
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5
The Mimic
The Mimic is a pathological liar. At last, a creature with genuine professional qualities.
It copies the identity and the powers of its horizontal neighbor: on a left-hand page (even-numbered), it copies the cell to its right; on a right-hand page (odd-numbered), it copies the cell to its left. Always toward the inside of the book.
It only copies monsters and other living creatures. If the neighboring cell contains terrain, an item, or a Wall, the Mimic copies nothing and remains harmless and passable.
If several Mimics copy one another, follow the chain back to the first non-Mimic cell. They all become copies of whatever occupies that cell. There you go! And if none of that made sense, improvise. Your autopsy will tell us where you went wrong.
DragonMimic→ DragonMimic→ DragonRubbleMimic→ safeThiefMimic→ ThiefRight-hand page: each Mimic copies its left-hand neighbor. A chain runs back to the first non-Mimic cell; a Mimic copying terrain or a Weakling stays passable. Applies to: the spread the Mimic is on.
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6
The Mage
An isolated Mage is safe. You may tread on his cell without ending up as a small heap of ash, which is already a remarkable effort on his part.
Better still: as long as a Mage is present on the page, all the Wraiths on that same page are harmless. (The effect applies to the page only, not to the spread.)
But if a Scroll occupies any of the Mage’s eight neighboring cells, the Mage becomes deadly himself (see rule 20). It makes no sense whatsoever, but as long as it can kill you, I approve!
WraithWraithWraithRubbleMageApplies to: the page the Mage is on.
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7
Orcs and Dwarves
Orcs and Dwarves — centuries of war, and still no one has the faintest idea why. Admirable.
Orcs sharing a side with one another fight together. Dwarves do the same. A lone Orc or a lone Dwarf simply fights alone. As soon as an Orc and a Dwarf share a side, a melee breaks out. It pits every Orc joined to that Orc against every Dwarf joined to that Dwarf. One point of contact is enough.
Count both sides. The smaller one is cut to pieces and its cells become passable. The majority side, naturally, remains thoroughly deadly. On a tie, they slaughter each other to the last man: all the cells then become passable. Outside a melee, an Orc or a Dwarf stays deadly.
OrcOrcOrcDwarfDwarfThree Orcs against two Dwarves: the smaller side is cut down and its cells become passable. The larger side stays deadly. OrcOrcOrcDwarfDwarfDwarfDwarfOne point of contact is enough: the three Orcs face the four connected Dwarves. This time the Orcs are the ones who fall. OrcOrcDwarfDwarfTwo against two: on a tie they slaughter each other to the last. Every cell becomes passable, on both sides. Page edges do not interrupt this rule.
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8
The Vampire
The Vampire is deadly. Nothing surprising so far: he’s hungry, you have blood, and it’s a beautifully complementary arrangement.
But he doesn’t merely kill you. The Bandits, Thieves, and Cultists in any of the four cells orthogonally adjacent to him become deadly Vampires in turn. Each new victim then contaminates the adjacent prey, always orthogonally, and so on until there’s nothing left to convert. Never diagonally.
Anything that isn’t prey — terrain, another monster, a Wall, or an empty cell — halts the spread. And there you have it: a magnificent food chain. Guess who gets to be the final edible link?
VampireBandit→ VampireThief→ VampireSwampCultistThe Swamp is not prey: it halts the spread, and the Cultist beyond stays passable. Page edges do not interrupt this rule.
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9
The Giant
What do two Giants do when they catch sight of each other down a corridor? They run toward each other for a hug!!! It’s very touching… Especially for every monster standing between them.
If two Giants are aligned on the same row or the same column of a spread, every creature strictly between them is crushed and their cells become passable. Careful! Terrain and items remain unchanged. The Giants themselves stay deadly.
And that’s why the dungeon’s love stories always end with a mop.
GiantMummySwampZombieGemGiantTwo aligned Giants crush the creatures strictly between them. The Swamp is terrain and the Gem is an item: neither moves. The Giants stay deadly. Applies to: the whole spread the Giants are on.
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10
The Oracle
I can’t stand that omniscient old crone whose favorite pastime is turning massacre scenes into safe zones.
She is always safe, passable, and immune to all effects. No rule can make her deadly. If at least four of the eight cells around her contain deadly monsters, all eight neighboring cells become safe and passable except Wall cells. No power, effect, or combination can make the cells she protects deadly.
Four monsters ready to tear each other apart, and her ladyship suddenly decides everyone needs to calm down. Insufferable.
OgreRubbleTrollWallOracleDemonMossSkeletonRubbleFour deadly monsters among the eight neighbours: all those cells turn safe, except the Wall (which stays impassable). The Oracle herself is immune. OgreRubbleTrollMossOracleRubblePlanksDemonMossThree monsters only: the threshold of four is not met and nothing triggers. The Oracle stays safe — she always is — but her neighbours keep their own nature. Page edges do not interrupt this rule.
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11
The Reaper
Ah, the Reaper. Diva of carnage, with an oversized scythe and a very particular sense of personal space.
Every cell within two cells of the Reaper becomes deadly, diagonals included. Only the Oracle can claim to stand up to her…
ReaperEvery cell within two cells of the Reaper turns deadly, diagonals included. Page edges do not interrupt this rule.
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12
The Titan
See this Titan, so neatly confined to a single cell? What an adorable attempt to minimize the scale of the disaster.
His presence makes a band of three rows deadly: his own, the one above, and the one below. And since the gentleman is somewhat lacking in discretion, this band extends across three spreads — six pages in all: the spread containing the Titan, the one before it, and the one after it.
Naturally, nothing is drawn to show you the zone. You must deduce it by spotting the Titan. You’ll only meet two in the whole book. This band blocks light and acts as a Wall (see rule 16).
Just look at that: immense, invisible, deadly, and perfectly designed to be forgotten at the worst possible moment. I’m magnificent. Sometimes I envy the ones who get to die of my ideas.
previous spread
the Titan’s spread
Titannext spread
A band three rows deep — its own, the one above, the one below — running across the Titan’s spread, the one before and the one after. Applies to: the whole spread the Titan is on, and the two adjacent spreads.
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13
Chuck
A Chuck cell makes its entire page passable: monsters, terrain, and items included. I tried to stop him once. I’m rather fond of my jaw where it is. You’ll find four Chuck cells in all.
Chuck doesn’t bend the rules. The rules bend around Chuck.
TrollOgreSpikesMummyDemonSwampSkeletonWitchRubbleCyclopsPitSpiderMossMinotaurZombieSnakeDragonVampireSpikesTrollMummySwampOgrePlanksChuckRubbleDemonPitSkeletonSpiderWitchSnakeDragonCyclopsSpikesMinotaurMossZombieSwampRubbleVampireTrollMummyPitOgreSpikesWitchDemonSpiderA whole page, monsters and deadly terrain included, turns passable again. Applies to: the page Chuck is on.
Terrain
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14
Deadly terrain
Spikes, Swamps, and Pits are deadly. The dungeon wishes you a pleasant journey. There’s no need to leave a review.
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15
Safe terrain and the Bridge
Rubble, Moss, and Planks are passable without danger.
The Bridge is safe. From a Bridge cell, you may jump over exactly one deadly cell orthogonally adjacent to it and land on the cell immediately beyond it. The landing cell must be safe.
BridgeSpikesGoblinFrom the Bridge you step over the single deadly cell beside it and land right behind. The landing cell must be safe. Page edges do not interrupt this rule.
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16
Wall
Do I really have to explain what a Wall is for? Your adventure promises to be riveting…
The Wall is impassable and opaque: it blocks your passage, torchlight (see rule 21), prying eyes…
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17
Lava
You thought you had to fall into the Lava to die? Adorable. It likes to start early.
Its four orthogonally adjacent cells become deadly as well. So you can roast in front of it, behind it, or beside it — but never diagonally.
GoblinGoldLavaThiefRubbleThe four cells orthogonally adjacent to the Lava turn deadly, whatever they hold. Never the diagonals. Page edges do not interrupt this rule.
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18
Tunnel
Tunnels always come in pairs: one on the front of a leaf, the other on its back. The second Tunnel is not directly behind the first: it can be anywhere on the back of the leaf.
Their cells are safe and let you pass directly from one side to the other. A simple, practical shortcut, and astonishingly free of danger. If you come out damp, that’s normal. The Tunnel drools when it’s happy. Just don’t give it a reason to chew.
RubbleTrollSpikesTunnelMossOgreSwampRubblePlanksMummyPitMossSkeletonRubbleSwampDemonMossSpikesWitchTunnelPlanksSpiderPitBoth Tunnels sit on the same leaf, one on the front and one on the back — and the second is not necessarily behind the first: it can be anywhere on the other side. Applies to: both sides of the same leaf.
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19
Number
The digit tells you exactly how many of the cell’s eight neighboring cells must contain creatures. If the count matches, the cell is safe. Otherwise, it kills you.
Yes, your survival now depends on an arithmetic exercise designed for children.
the count matches
OgreTroll3Demonthe count is wrong
Ogre3TrollThe digit says how many of the eight neighbours hold a creature. In the example, three creatures: the cell is safe. Fewer or more: it kills. Page edges do not interrupt this rule.
Items
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20
Safe items
Gold and Gems are perfectly safe. Until a Thief stands beside them. At that instant, it’s no longer a treasure. It’s his treasure. Booby-trapped with poison and probably a mechanism aimed specifically at the soft parts…
Gold and Gems become deadly when a Thief occupies one of the four cells orthogonally adjacent to them.
The Scroll is also safe, but… if it occupies any of a Mage’s eight neighboring cells, it becomes deadly. So does the Mage. Apparently, copyright is taken very seriously in this dungeon.
GoldThiefRubbleGoldScrollMageMossScrollGold beside a Thief turns deadly; on its own, it stays safe. A Scroll among a Mage’s eight neighbours turns deadly — and so does the Mage. Page edges do not interrupt this rule.
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21
Torches and Shadows
Afraid of the dark? Excellent instinct. For once, your body understands the situation before you do. A Shadow is deadly. Unless it’s lit.
The Torch is safe. Its light runs the full length of its row and its column, but never beyond its spread; Walls stop the beam, because they’re opaque and because I’m not explaining rule 16 again.
This light makes Shadows safe — nothing else. A lit Troll is still a Troll, and he’ll kill you with excellent visibility.
You don’t need to walk on the Torch for it to work. I mention this because an adventurer once sat on a Torch to “get more light.” He got plenty.
the light passes through
TorchTrollRubbleGoldShadowthe Wall stops the beam
TorchTrollWallRubbleShadowThe light runs along the row and passes through whatever it meets: the Shadow at the end is lit, so it is safe. A Wall, though, stops the beam: the Shadow behind it stays deadly. Applies to: the Torch’s row and column, within its spread.
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22
The Bow
Ah, a weapon at last! I was beginning to think you planned to ask the monsters politely to move aside. You do look the type.
When your path reaches the Bow cell, it neutralizes every deadly monster located exactly five cells from the Bow, in each of the four orthogonal directions. Those cells become safe.
Careful: a neutralized creature no longer counts, which may alter a group or the effect of another rule.
WolfBow1234WolfWolfThe Bow neutralizes the Wolf exactly five cells away — the middle one. The pack of three is gone: the two remaining Wolves, one above and one below, no longer touch, and their cells turn safe again. A neutralized monster no longer counts. Page edges do not interrupt this rule.
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23
The Sword
A single blade to eliminate every Dragon in range… Good grief, what amateur wrote this? Ah. Me. I was probably running a fever.
When you step onto the Sword cell, you take it with you. While you remain on the Sword’s page or either adjacent page, it eliminates every Dragon on your path.
If you leave that zone, the Sword vanishes. Yes, just like that. Legendary items are extremely touchy about being taken far from home.
previous page
Dragonthe Sword’s page
SwordDragonnext page
DragonOnce picked up, the Sword eliminates the Dragons that stand on the path — on its own page, the one before and the one after. The path is the pale strip; beyond those three pages, the Sword vanishes. Applies to: the Sword’s page, the one before and the one after.
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24
The Mask
When your path reaches the Mask cell, you may step unnoticed onto any deadly creature next to it — up, down, left, or right.
You may then continue from creature to creature, as long as each one is identical to the first and sits directly next to the one before it. As soon as a safe cell touches the creature you’re standing on, you may step onto it and resume your path.
You can’t move through a different creature. Even in this dungeon, showing up dressed as a Troll to a Mummy convention eventually raises a few eyebrows.
MaskTrollMummyTrollTrollTrollsafeFrom the Mask you cross the Trolls one after another — the path may turn, but only across identical monsters. You step off as soon as a safe cell touches the Troll you are standing on. Page edges do not interrupt this rule.
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25
The Molotov Cocktail
Here is the only drink in the dungeon you order by shouting “Take cover!”
When your path reaches the Molotov cell, the Molotov hits every Zombie one or two cells away in any orthogonal direction. Never diagonally.
Each Zombie struck is destroyed, along with its eight neighboring cells. Monsters and items disappear, and their cells become safe. Terrain alone remains unchanged.
TrollOgreMummyMolotovSkeletonZombieSwampDemonWitchSpiderThe Molotov strikes the Zombie two cells away. The Zombie is destroyed, and its eight neighbours with it: monsters and items vanish, the cells turn safe. Terrain alone remains — the Swamp stays deadly. Page edges do not interrupt this rule.
Local rules
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Medusa and Mirror
On this spread, a Medusa petrifies every creature in her row and column, up to the first Wall, except other Medusas. A petrified creature is impassable.
A Mirror in a Medusa’s row or column, with no Wall between them, petrifies the Medusa: her cell becomes safe and she no longer petrifies any creatures.
BanditGoblinImpMedusaWallThiefKoboldThe Medusa petrifies every creature in her row and column, up to the first Wall — even the Weaklings, who were safe. You do not get through. The Thief, behind the Wall, is untouched. MirrorGoblinImpMedusaWallThiefKoboldA Mirror in the Medusa’s column, with no Wall between them: the Medusa is petrified in turn. Her cell becomes safe, and nothing is petrified by her any more — neither in her column nor in her row. -
The Boss
applies on page 52
To kill it, pick up the three hidden weapons: Bazooka, Tweezers, Excalibur. Forget logic. Find the items.
Want to check a situation without murdering three pages with a pencil?
Try the sandbox